figure skates

Figure eights

On figure skates

Your blades leave lines

On the ice

Solid ground 

But you slip off

It takes skill

To navigate my waters

Frozen between

My fears and my faith

My love and my hate

I don't know what I want

But here you dance,

Scraping the surface

Gliding like scissors

Cutting me deeper

Until i no longer shine

I am rough

Covered in lines

And shavings 

I'm breaking

But you twirl

And you spin

And it's beautiful

let go of me

i cut myself today
i watched the blood run down my leg
and i felt nothing

i soaked it up with paper towels
put pressure there
ignored the howls

of demons swirling around my head
they want me dead
they want me dead

i don't want to die
i just want to know why
you're not here

i just want to know why
i am feeling this way
like you're far

and i know you're not
and it's me
who is running away

you said obedience
is better than sacrifice
and still i disobey

still i set myself up
on the alter
and slice

still i hate my life
and myself
and i hope its enough

to make you see i'm sorry
to make you see
i don't want to be this way

the scars show
that this is not how
it's supposed to be

something's wrong with me
i need you
i need to be free

but i get stuck here because
i still want to do it
all by myself

i get stuck here because
i'm trying to find
my worth

in other things
in something i can find
inside of me

searching, digging
through skin and blood
for something good

lord,
i can't do this anymore
it never works

i pick up the blade
and ignore your voice
telling me to stop

telling me that
you are enough
the demons tell me something else

that if i shed my own blood
maybe i can set things right
right?

i would sacrifice myself
on a cross if i had to
but i wouldn't let you

why can't i let go?
why can't i let you
be everything?

why can't i let go of me?

wait

My hopes suspended in the air
Like dew drops not yet landed on a flower.

Tentative, taking shape.
They watch and wonder-
Wait.

words

I love words-

The way they roll

And dance,

The way they sparkle

In a sentence.

I love sounds-

To capture them,

Pinned down

Pressed like flowers

Into pages,
Colors into faces.

I love language-

The way it waltzes

Off your tongue

And your voice

Holds me tight

Like a song

Saying maybe

You could understand me.

Maybe

You could pin me down.

And we would dance

And we would fuse-

Wayward words finding their place

In a phrase.

the skeleton tree

brown and bare
against the pale blue sky-

a skeleton of what you were.

your branches curled like fingers

that had given up reaching, 

reaching, 

reaching.

and tearing, tearing,
they have torn
all the life like meat
from your wooden bones.

orange and red-
your radiant robe,
spread beneath your feet.

brown and bare-
alone.
what have you done?

the pale blue sky looks down
and looks away
and you
fall
into sapphire night.

how to drown

In the ocean of your faithfulness,
I'm sinking into trust,
Though stormy seas can steal my peace,
All trembling and tossed.

I'm learning how to drown myself
And let you take my place.
Pierce my darkness with your sunlight,
Take my depths to heights of grace.

unfolding

I would be a flower unfolding,
Palms wide open,
But I'm trapped inside the bud.

Afraid to bloom,
To leave the tomb,
My palms are red with blood.

But you can see
The rose in me
And open what was closed.

My shame is gone
And I am strong
In the garden of your love.

pilgrim

I'm a pilgrim in the backseat
As the miles stretch endless on.
And I cry out, "Are we there yet?"
As I search the scape for home.

Restless, relentless, child of fear-
"How much longer?" still I squeal.
And my Father simply smiles at me,
And firmly grips the wheel.

I'm a child who has to be carried-
But my Father's arms are strong.
And by His strength He'll guide me
Through the journey safely home.

foreigner

Some days I feel like a foreigner-
Lost in my own skin,
And I don't have a language
To express the things within.
I wander through the marketplace
And hold no currency,
I wander through a the empty days
A ghost of what was me.

Some days I feel like a foreigner-
Lost in my own mind,
The echo of a distant chorus
Tossed upon the wind.
And I don't know which way to go,
But if I meet your ear,
I'll find someone who speaks my tongue,
Who understands this fear.

Some days I feel like a foreigner-
Lost inside this world
But you are not a stranger,
No, you hear my every word.
I came into your marketplace
With trembling, empty hands.
You filled me with your glorious grace-
This is my native land.

path

Battered by waves,

Let my poems be a path-

A boat on the sea

Of what's in between us.

An ocean of words,

Mighty waters to sail,

Then I'll set you safe

On the shore of my soul.

change

Everything is about to change.

scarlet necklace

A buried seed is bound to bleed

And split the earth with crimson head.

From thorns to rose, or so it goes,

Is born a sharp and sudden red.

And were I charmed and not alarmed,

I'd touch the velvet blossoming

Until my hand was pricked, unplanned,

And scarlet necklace start to bead.

Over my head and draped in dread,

A flower crown fit for a queen.

I watch the colors slowly spread

And find I'm trapped inside the seed.

piano keys

My fingertips send shooting stars

Bold, blazing 'cross the night.

Piano keys and galaxies,

I touch the infinite.

island

The ocean splits open
The land like a wound,
And I'm trapped inside, sinking
And lost in the the sound
Of tidal waves crashing
Like knives and blades gashing.
It's made me an island,
And so far from you.

your melting world

Shaken, drifting,
Specks in the water.
Settling, shifting
Within my small sphere.

You pick me up
And peer inside,
I want to touch
Your melting world.

Immortal snowflake in a globe
I wonder just how it would feel
To leave my ring,
Dissolve with Spring.

I don't want to sit
On a shelf and wait
For my world to shake.
I want to be
Where there are earthquakes.

But still I am so far away,
A snowstorm in the midst of May.

drown

You wear your heart on your sleeve
And I can see it bleed,
But my emotions hide inside my sleeves,
Inside of me.
They brush against my skin
And against everything within.
Trapped, imprisoned,
Lonely, building.
Introspection, my reflection
Doesn't reflect me
If what you see is peace.

Silly and carefree,
Isn't that what you want me to be?
To be happy,
To be joy-
But I'm not your little girl anymore.

Too much time is lost,
Too much distance between us.
I'm sorry if it's my fault-
I never wanted to hate you.

I will not let you hold
The black, the void.
I will not let you see what's inside.
I spit out stars
And smiles and scars,
And we're both still wondering who I am.

I'm falling in the force of my own gravity,
The weight of everything
I feel
And where I want to be,
Below and underneath-
What I deserve.

Cuts and scars and bruises,
I make myself look all the ways I cannot speak.
Maybe you will see.

Punishing, perfection unattainable.
Will you ever love me?
I deserve to die here.
Stop, stop.
Never.
It cuts deeper.

Hate and hate and hate.
I'm trying to build
But my hands are wrecking balls
Swinging from the chain,
Pendulum of pain.

Knocking down the building,

This temple that I live in.
But I love the lonely-
I love a lot of things that kill me.
Destroy, destroy,
Escape myself,
Escape this hell-
This heart of only evil,
Desiring destruction and rubble.

Destroy, destroy,
Ripped open,
Torn out lifeless on the floor.
Gathered in handfuls,
I don't want me anymore.

Acid dripping from my mouth,
I'm burning holes in both of us.
I didn't want to make you empty,
I didn't want to be your failure-
Please tell me I'm a treasure,
But you lost me so long ago.
X marks the spot,
It's written in blood
Just hoping to be found.
Under the sea I'm waiting
But I think I'd rather drown.

while you were sleeping

It rained while you were sleeping,
While the night could hide my weeping,
And in the morning when you woke

The sky was gray and full of smoke.

It rained while you were resting,
While the tidal waves were cresting
And I drowned inside an ocean-
All the words I never spoke.

these poems

Lonely scribes

Burning inside.

These poems are

Our suicide.

The alphabet

We set ablaze

Unleash the fire 

In every phrase.

Perilous pen,

Breathing out ink.

Heart of a dragon,

Drowning in heat.

If words were swords

We'd stab ourselves through the heart.

In fairytales we slayed dragons,

But now the story is ours.

And people like us,
We set the world on fire.

sandstorm

As midnights fade to dusk pastels
I settle like dust on the shelf.
Slowly I become myself,
Softly strum that string farewell.

Swirling in the the sound awake,
The sandstorm and this subtle ache.

Motionless in the earthquake,

A desert chill, a winter heat.

I play the earth like a guitar,

Find beauty in each passing chord.

In tempest tune and song of storm

I'm shaped like desert sand, reborn.

And slowly I'm becoming me-
Softly succumbing to the sea.

sundial

Hands of the clock,

If you could stop

And hold me for a while,

Time would stand still

And we would feel

We'd spun a thousand miles.

Watch face,

If I could replace

Your blank stare with a smile,

We'd count the days

Within your gaze-

Drift into place like a sundial.

the same weight

It rained today,
And I was a pathway
Where no one walked.

The raindrops hit me
Right in the crevices
Between each brick,

Right in all the spaces
Where you weren't.

I want to feel your footsteps
Splashing in the same rain.

Pressed against me,
Silent skin of brick-
I need to hear you crashing
Under the same weight.

You are faith
And I was doubt.
You are light,
And the storm was dark.

Where were you?

The streak of a streetlamp
Pierces the ground.
But I don’t know if I want to be found.

give in

Tickling my neck-

Just out of my reach.
I clench my fist
And it's the feeling in my wrist-
I'm going to give in.

distance

There are oceans between us,
And such great depths inside us.
And if distance makes
The mountaintops turn blue,
I wonder what it means
For me and you.

ghost town

My tongue is hard and black,
Swallowing these words like hot coals.
And my stomach is a pit of ash
Like a ghost town filled with ghouls.

If pencil lead could shoot instead
Of fire from my throat,
I'd write your name in silver flame
Upon a golden scroll.

But I'm breathing out destruction
And I've lost the sacred book.
The ghost town of a dragon,
Still, I'll find you in the smoke.

let you go

My firefly,
Your shining light
Was fading in
The dark of night.

I would catch you in a jar
And we'd blare the music,
Sitting in your car.

My firefly,
I would keep you from harm.
Be your firewood-
Your spark,
If you wanted to be warm.

My firefly,
When you burned out
You burned a hole in my chest,
And I've been trying to fill it
Ever since.

And we both learned that love
Wasn't quite what we thought.
Maybe we were both wrong.

I could never catch you in a jar
And keep you forever.
You were not mine to hold.

And I suppose I thought that if I loved you
I had to let you go.

the words

In writing
I freeze my tears
Into icy spears
And I cut myself
With the words

the only thing

"should i tear my eyes out now?
everything i see returns to you somehow
should i tear my heart out now?
everything i feel returns to you somehow"

-sufjan

everything

I wish I had done everything with you.

insignificant

Turn your ear to me
I want to know You're listening.
But You're invisible
And I'm insignificant.

circles

These thoughts run through my mind
Like a carousel of dark horses.

I'm spinning in circles,
And circles again.
I'm spinning into shadow lands.

And the monsters in the shadows
Are so real tonight.
I can feel tonight.

I'm feeling in circles,
And circles again.
Black carousel,
My only friend.

tonight

i turn on the shower
so that no one can hear me cry
and the water
falls
to
the
floor
like
my
heart
tonight

dewdrops

Together,
We're the light
Shimmering off drops of dew

Cup my hands
To catch the sunrise,
Feelings I don't want to lose.

And the future here seems brighter,
As I watch the sky
Turn blue,

When I think of all the mornings
That I want to spend
With you.

stella d'oro lilies

Stella d'oro sunset,
Splashing in your waterfalls.
You're sounding like a trumpet,
Ringing like a million bells.

Golden fountain bursting,
Bubbling up a tender shoot-
Flowers fading in the evening
And then springing up anew.

You start out as a trickle,
Rippling with yellow wings.
And now you are a river
Overflowing into me.

With open hands, daylily dance
And dying in the night,
You renew yourself eternally,
And I fall into your light.

a little like light

Consuming the darkness
And sipping on shade,
I breathe in the night
And I exhale the void.

In your vacant stare
With those funeral home eyes,
I looked through and saw
Only dead things inside.

So I donned a black dress
And I buried my fear
And I showed you the shadows
Are something we share.

We'll drink in the darkness
Together tonight,
And it's strange how it feels now
A little like light.

this tree

I wish light could shine right through me,
Like leaves in the summertime,
And that you could see these things
Pulsing through my veins.

Glowing and open for all to see,
I'm just one part of this tree,
And if the light hit us all in just the right way
I think we'd love each other more.

goosebumps

You're turning my skin
Into a million tiny canyons.
Adrenaline-
A hundred hikers' views.

If they all felt this rush
Then there would be an avalanche,
But I climb a mountain
Every time I think of you.

butterfly wings

Delicate
In orange and black,
A trembling flame
Upon your back.

Flutter free
From your cocoon
When with a spark
I kiss the moon.

Spirit descending
Through the air
In butterfly wings
And tongues of fire.

jupiter in june

Your fingerprints are craters on the moon,
And I'm glowing like the smallest silver spoon.
If you would stir your tea with me
I'd spin around like Saturn's rings,
And we'd sit on the porch swing
Like Jupiter in June.

renovo bridge

Renovo bridge
With dangling legs,
I sat upon
A lonely ledge.

Three years ago,
The sun shone bright,
In contrast with
My stormy mind.

Renovo bridge,
Staring down at my toes
The river and
The rocks below

Three years ago
Wanting to be gone.
Sometimes it's good
Not to get what you want.

opening

If I'm a cave
Then you're the opening.
You show me, tunneled deep,
That there is light.

And if I'm caving in
Then you can come down with me.
Collapse into the sun
That's come inside.

telescopes

Telescopes
And twisted glass formations
Can draw us deep
Into the distant night.

So teach me how to trace
These constellations
Before they scatter into stardust
With my sight.

monster

The grass is growing,
Grabbing at my ankles.
Edges frayed,
With sharp and jagged angles.

I tear it from the ground,
But higher still it will surround.

This shroud of green,
My efforts vain and feeble.
And here I was longing for rain,
But now I'm slipping under.
The barren ground a forest now,
The foliage a monster.

I'd run away but it was me
Who dug the holes and dropped the seeds.

The grass is growing,
And soon I'll be devoured.

complete

A poem can melt into crevices
I didn't know were there.
Everything I am
And everything you are
Fused together.
Because poetry is all about perfection,
And there are words in you
That make me feel complete.

my avalanche

The summit,
Sun on my face.
Vast, beautiful,
And dangerous-
This mountain force.

Standing on the edge,
I feel power and fear.
Sinking feeling,
Stealing the air
From my chest-
Breathless in the sunset.

The overlook,
With dangling legs.
I feel free in the open space.
Still, to move an inch
Would be my avalanche-
Curse of altitude.

Thinner air
And stronger lungs,
I must resist the pending plunge.
Touch the horizon
But pull back.
Drunk on the view,
Dizzying height.

So far I've climbed,
But this I've learned:
You can't fall unless
You're standing.
Every avalanche begins
With a mountain.

radio

You're a song I can't get out of my head,
Like fingers through my hair.
Twirling every strand,
Unconscious radio of fear.

Repeating the same pattern
In a tapestry of song-
Under my scalp and crawling out
Whenever I'm alone.

My body screams, I rip the seam.
Follow the string, unwind.
I tear this tortured melody
From the fabric of my mind.

enmity

Your malice is magnetic,
My resolve a drop of rain.
And I'm pulled into your orbit-
Like a droplet down the pane.

Your force is strong and simple,
Drawn into a black escape.
Leaving streaks across the window-
Drifting farther into space.

My skin against the metal,
Aligned with stars and enmity.
You're becoming irresistable-
Water droplets, gravity.

thunderclouds

I found my home in thunderclouds,
But they melted into rain.
Now searching, scrambling through the sky
In lightning and in pain.

Sweet drops of solace that I found
From my hands slipping away.
Try to grasp the sorrow and the sound-
Reach out with jagged rays.

My clouds descend to earth in rain,
Still I'm stuck up in the sky.
Now blue and clear, but no one here,
And no place left to hide.

freeze

My words fell down like autumn leaves,
And faded into winter.
I wrote a poem upon the breeze,
A feeble, frosted whisper.

The wind through twisted branches
Shook the colors from the trees-
Did what I say mean anything,
Or will it simply freeze?

So I rummage through the foliage,
The forest of my mind.
Press leaves to scrapbook pages
Before the season's left behind.

waterfall mist

Places where the earth can breathe,
Waterfall mist and ocean crash.
Sunlight peeking through the leaves
Of evergreens and forest paths.

Breathe in the raging water's wind,
To foaming in the aftermath.
The tall trees bend down to listen
When you strike the rocks with your great staff.

Send it pounding, powerful and pure
In blue and green and gray and white.
Inhale the evening, still and sure,
This silent mystery of night.

dragon lungs

The match head meets the striker,
Turning friction into flame.
Is this art or is it arson,
And am I the one to blame?

Icarus into the sun,
With my wax wings I'm rising higher.
Breathing sparks like dragon lungs,
Consuming myself in constant fire.

javelin

I throw my spirits high
Like a javelin spear,
Needle and thread
Though the troposphere,

They gather together
The clouds and sew.
Churning, yearning
Storm clouds roll.

With grays and whites
All intertwined
And spirits starting
To decline,

My javelin
Returns to earth
Rain and thunder,
Clouds disperse.

paper cut

I run my hands
Over ink and madness,
Edges, endings
For my sadness.

I grasp the page
For paper cuts,
Rewrite the book
In my own blood.

The power of prose
To bring us pain-
The way a sentence
Strikes a vein.

My fingertips
I slice right through
When words are sharp,
An easy wound.

I grasp the pages
For relief,
The words are there,
They're striking me.

Words can cut deep,
But not enough.
A simple, sorry
Paper cut.

over the fence

Garden of darkness,
Shade and fern-
I said I loved rain,
That the sun would burn.

Garden of darkness,
But you changed my plans.
You came in like sunlight-
You streamed through the fence.

Petals pointed inwards,
Curled up here
In window shade thicket
And flower bud fear.

Petals pointed inwards,
You peeled them away.
I said I loved rain,
Then you showed me the day.

Under your umbrella
We laughed and the blinds
Were opened, illuminated
In our light.

Under your umbrella
And over the fence,
There's a place where I'm blooming,
A place we can dance.

Garden of darkness,
Petals pointed inside.
Under your umbrella,
Now into the light.

Throw open the gates,
Blooming flower, my soul.
This garden we wander
Together and whole.

Throw open the gates
And I'm finding I'm new.
With darkness behind me
And sunshine of you.

lost

I'm lost here.

Somewhere between acceptance and denial,
Somewhere within the curve of your smile.
Who I am and who I've been,
Where I was I'll be again.

And it's somewhere inside
The ink of this pen-
I just have to move it the right way.
I just need you to stay.

I'm lost here,
Where I've been all along.
Please don't leave me alone.

crest and the crash

The ocean is honest-
It holds nothing back.
Building, releasing,
The crest and the crash.

I feel it in your movements,
The way that you breathe.
If water is transparent,
Why are you dark and deep?

salt water

Salt water scars,
The kiss of the sea-
I went to the ocean
And you saw all of me.

Traced a line in the sand
But you washed it away,
Consumed me inside
The crash of your gaze.

I can't hide from the ocean,
So wide and so deep-
Gash in the land
On the globe of my skin.

With your tender touch
Made smooth and made free-
Somehow we're made new
When the old is simply seen.

crawl spaces

I'm crawling into tiny spaces,
Combing through a massive chaos.

I'm going to miss these walls, this mess-
Knowing that all this will end,
Was uncertainty my closest,
Only friend?

Climbing over piles of disarray,
Am I happy, sad, confused, or still afraid?

There's history here,
The space between each page.
I'm crawling through ink and words
And can't backspace.

I'm climbing the mountain,
Mounds of what could have been.
Melting scene,
Melange of memory.

This avalanche I rummage through,
It's finally time to break through-

The tunnel to flood with light,

The story to end.

This mess I've made cleaned up,
The road to bend.

And I thought it would feel different-
Bittersweet,
It's confusing
And a little bit empty.

But I would rather curl up here
Inside these places-
Nestled against my books
And the rocks
And the darkness.

These crawl spaces,
This chaos.

ghost

You linger in all my blues and greens.
Stagnant water, flowing streams
Turned to stone with your soft touch-
Everything must come to dust.

You brought your old gray fingertips
Up to my Eden-apple lips.
Silenced now, they turn to rust-
Every tone that you have hushed.

But a muted color still can speak,
Though dimmer, darker now it seems.
These things I hear and feel and see,
A ghost of all that used to be.

hope

I'm feeling so many things,
And I'm losing all my hope.

It's not silence that makes you deaf,
It's too much noise,
And I've heard enough.

It's feeling that makes you numb,
Frozen fingers in the cold.
Sensation so strong,
Now slipping away-
Maybe one day I'll be bold.

But now I'm losing all my hope.

collapse

I fold myself
Like a napkin on the table.
Small and plain,
An envelope
For things that will never be sent.

Folding, find
In every crease,
Tucked away,
A piece of me-
Safe here
Underneath.

Laden on your lap,
I do not sparkle.
Fine china
Still I hide
Under the table.

Folding, falling
Into myself.
Bending, collapsing,
My skin
Softly pressed
Into the shape
Of something simple.

I was not made
For wonderful things-
Scraps of peace
That fall from you.
This mystery,
This everlasting feast.

You grow
And I become smaller
And smaller.

Stained and slight,
Tucked out of sight.

I was made for little things-
Hidden things.
Collapsing like a wave,
But I am soft
And make no sound.

I fold myself
Like a napkin on the table.
Waiting for the aftermath,
White foam on the beach.
Slipping away,
Foam and lace.
Collapse, unwind-
Find your way back
To the sky.

How boundless this place,
And I a piece.
I'll fold myself
To take up less space
In this wonderful mystery,
Make it part of me.

Tucked away and treasured-
Pondered in my heart.

turbulence

Jolted in my seat
By an invisible force.
Shaky on my feet,
First step of a toddler.

But no one stretches out a hand,
No one else can see the wind.

The skies are clear
But shake me still.
I fear I've been lifted
Only to fall.

Falling,
How I've dreamed of the descent.
I'm found at the beginning
Once again.

Falling,
Is it suicide
To leave who I am behind?

No escape from the turbulence
But to throw myself into the sky.

I'll jump from the plane
Of these violent thoughts,
Fall into a place
Where these invisible things
Don't move me so much.

Here I am,
At the beginning again-
I'm still learning how to walk,
Still dreaming of the fall.

And I wonder,
Did you notice at all?

oil pastels

Cardinal sitting
In a pear tree-
Chlorophyll pulsing
Through every leaf.
Blood-red against
A brilliant green,
Life in every
Shade I see.

An amateur
With oil pastels,
Illinois morning
Sounds and smells.
Simple sketches
In my book,
Rocking chair
And flower pot.

Cardinal calling
Out to me-
Blended colors,
Vibrant scene.
Rockford days,
Soft greens and blues-
Cardinal display
In a world subdued.

blue flame

The world passed by
In flashes of orange and red.
Fire burning,
Leaping mindlessly
From the building
Like autumn leaves
From the trees.

But you were a blue flame.
Focused heat,
Intensity.

Inhaling the chemicals,
You breathed out your small light,
Concentrated your rage
Into a hush.
Beautiful,
But a danger to touch.

A blue flame
In the midst of autumn,
Immortal.

miscarried

Offspring of your anger-

Miracle mistaken.

I guess that I was only

A disappointment.

Sanctity of life,

But life is hatred,

Holiness miscarried-

Human wasted.

fade to yellow

Jaundice,
Fading to yellow.
Dandelions dissolving
Into the meadow
Of my skin.

I feel it within,
The color,
Bold and faint.
Aging, the pages
Of an old book.

Yellowed edges,
But the story still so young-
Nothing new
Under the wide
Yellow sun.

Jaundice,
Bile of becoming.
Bittersweet,
Accumulating.

Yellow,
All the days
Will bring me closer
To its light.

The smell of ink
On a page.
Hollow cheeks,
White of my eyes.

Beautiful sickness
Of becoming.
This story now
Is ending.

blackboard sky

Exploding with poetry
Like the fourth of July,
Writing my words
On the blackboard sky.

Chalk dust, black powder
To light with a flame.
Inspiration, a spark
For the words to escape.

Exploding with poetry-
The words I don't speak.
Firework fragments,
Today we are free.

the approaching storm

The faint sound of thunder,
Still far away.
All that power
Waiting, building in the sky.
In the softest clouds,
Hints of gray.
Distant, potent,
The smell of rain.

All the earth
In anticipation-
This beautiful tension.
I would stay
With my feet in the grass
And soak in every vibration-
Listen.

The birds call out their warning-
The approaching storm.
But they do not see the lightning
Coursing through my veins-
How I love the rain.

The greatest peace-
Life all around me,
Longing for rain-
Knowing it is coming.

Now it has come,
Soft roar of the drums-
Fulfillment of your hope.

The humble ground
Bathed in your glory.
Cloak of humidity,
Wrapped in your story.

Together with nature,
I see how this darkness
Makes us alive.
The rush of your waterfalls
Against the window
Where I watch, inside.

humidity

The humidity falls around me
Like the branches of a weeping willow tree,
Encircling, sweet in their sorrow.
There's a thickness to the air
Like I could hold it there
And wrap it around myself.

The end of your slumber,
Winter is over,
And everything seems somehow full.
The air and the trees,
Summer drifts back to sleep.
A blanket of steam and not snow.

london, 1802

From "London, 1802," by Wordsworth.

"Thy soul was a star, and dwelt apart:

Thou hadst a voice whose sound was like the sea:

Pure as the naked heavens, majestic, free,

So didst thou travel on life's common way,

In cheerful godliness; and yet thy heart

The lowliest duties on herself did lay."

a lamp to my feet

Oh, how much a perspective can change
In only just one week.
Life can seem hopeless one moment,
And the next moment so sweet.

But then I find I'm back again,
Fluctuating so easily.
Back where I started, like I never parted
With the fear that's haunting me.

When everything is changing
How do I know what to believe?
My emotions are unreliable,
But Thy Word is a lamp to my feet.

lime and not a lemon

You wanted to be different,
And it seemed so strange to me.
Lime and not a lemon in your drink,
Your peach iced tea.

You wanted to be special,
And I wish that you could see
That though the stars are infinite,
You mean the universe to me.

to the ocean

You were a wave,
And I wasn't expecting it,
But you crashed over me
In the most wonderful way.

The crest appeared,
Closer and closer,
And I was so small
Under the weight of it all.

Crashing, pounding,
Fully submerged-
You made me breathless,
But I felt somehow free.

You were a wave,
And your embrace
Was a little like chaos-
Throwing me back into the sea.

This infinite place-
It's sweet and strange,
And I'm glad I could be here with you,
And I'm glad you could love me too.

I want to feel this way again-
Take me to the ocean.

take flight

Every day
A dystrophy
Under the weight
Of melancholy.

And I'm finding that
The ache is good.
I'm simple, smaller,
Understood.

If fear could make
Us beautiful,
I'd gladly step up
On the scale

And watch it drop
As I take flight,
Farewell to sorrow
And my spite.

residue

Your memory
A residue.
Atrophy
Of every hue.

Colors fade,
A flickering blue.
Runaway
Remnant of you.

a new song

When it's not easy to converse,
That's when my mind is filled with verse.

I'll sing the song that awakens the throng
Of demons, dark and dead.
And I'll ponder the ways that I went wrong
And all the words I said.

Awake, awake, beneath their wings
What shadows, what great shade.
This wretched song I'm singing,
All the messes that I've made.

And the verse that fills my mind tonight
Comes easily to me.
Oh, how expensive is the light
When darkness is so cheap.

When it's not easy to converse,
That's when I'm trapped within the hearse.

But You sing a new song, awaken the throng
Of angels at your side.
And I see the ways that I went wrong,
Then how You bled and died.

Awake, awake, beneath Your wings-
You make the shadows flee,
And with the new song that You sing
You've resurrected me.

And the verse that fills my mind tonight,
It echoes with Your praise.
Oh, how expensive was the light,
How costly is Your grace.

house of bricks

Hello again, anxiety.
I wish you'd thought to RSVP.
I really don't have time for this-
You use up all my resources.

You dropped in uninvited,
Did you think I'd be excited?
I know your games, I know your tricks-
A house of straw, a house of sticks.

You're a wolf and I'm three little pigs,
And though there's no hair on my chin,
I've built myself a house of bricks-
You've consumed me twice, but not again.

strawberry jam

Like strawberry jam,
Preserve the pain-
Flavor of
My cherished hate.

Gathered on the knife
And spread across
The bread of my skin,
The taste of my sin.

Perfectly preserved
In scar-
The flavors of
A wounded heart.

surface tension

Inward force of my introspection-
Give in to the surface tension.
Drawn like a water droplet
Into myself.

Clustering cohesion,
Righteously resisting reason.
Unresolved-
Afraid to leave my cell.

Liquid laceration,
Stimulating new sensation.
I'm swimming, spinning round
Inside my shell.

Reflection in the water,
Fascinating ice interior.
Still I'm stuck inside the snow globe
Of my soul.

bike wheels

The lonely shadow of a figure on her bike.
Aging April night,
She cried-
Just wondering if someone could see her
Other than the sky.

Her bike wheels turning,
She was learning
How to be alive and be alone.
She just wanted to belong and be at home.

Aging April night,
She rode-
Wishing the sidewalk would never end,
Or take her to a place
Where she had a friend.

A runaway,
The end of day.
Take me somewhere I don't feel worthless.
Skidding the brakes,
That empty ache-
What did I do to deserve this?

The lonely shadow of a figure on her bike.
All those April nights
She sighed.
And decided the sky
Would have to be enough.

So Aprils turned to Mays and Junes
And the sky turned lovely colors too.

She's riding on,
Til the sidewalk ends.
She's going home,
Alive again.

genesis

Genesis
And gentleness-
The seventh day
You made for rest.
You fashion me
So tenderly.
You mold the earth,
You hold the sea.

Burning bush,
The great I Am-
Your power to
The plant no harm.
Escaping from
Your arms again.
You hold the sea,
You saw my sin.

Beautified
Because you died.
For my pride,
Humility.
Your patience and
My apathy.
You mold the earth,
You're molding me.

magnolias

Yellow flowers,
Glossy, leather leaves.
Golden hour,
Budding botany.

Elizabeth in color,
Or evergreen?
Would I choose to lose my leaves
And bloom in Spring?

Or to keep them,
Shining sheaths in winter wind.
Bracken's beauty,
Browning bare behind.

Our simple meetings,
Yard with two tall trees.
Only one will last,
My fickle, fading dream.

Magnolias,
Beginnings and my bliss.
When April evenings
Are my genesis.

hotel

You are my hotel-
To live in the mansion of your smile.
You're not my home,
But I'd like to stay awhile.

Luxury of your laughter,
Loud and clear.
Bountiful,
A crystal chandelier.

I'm on a journey,
Vagabond, my soul-
Your kindness and your love
My second home.

You are my hotel-
Welcoming mansion of your smile.
I'm not alone
When you let me inside.

raskolnikov

Dark corridors,
Streets of St. Petersburg.
The staircase where you wandered,
Wondered
If the sun would shine the same,
If you could be great.

It was better as a fantasy,
The alley where they lie under a stone-
You didn't want them anymore,
Would rather throw yourself
Into the river
With the roubles.
Was it worth it?

This pain is your own doing-
Tormented by the question,
The desire to be different-
Could you kill?

If you were great,
It didn't last-
The ramblings of a mad man.
How to get rid of her ghost
When she was only a louse
And you were Napoleon?

But Napoleon must kiss the ground,
Story of Lazarus
You read in her room.
Weep and cry out
"I am a murderer."

It was more than Lizaveta
And the pawnbroker.
You killed the man
You used to be.
And for what?
To prove your theory.

How are you so different
From the nasty Svidrigailov?
Is this all that we are,
In a moment gone?
Crushed under the carriage
And the horse?

You saw it in your dream,
The whip, the fall-
Hid it in a crack in the wall,
Sound of a knock on the door.

A fearful lie
That we will have time
To speak freely of everything.
Siberia, the only freedom
From the bondage of your silence.

Sonia,
Shame and beauty that you share.
Lay down your bloody axe,
Lay down your fear.

Napoleon
Is nothing now,
Worn old Bible of Lizaveta
In the hands of a prostitute.
The Neva will not claim you.

Trade the prison of your madness
For the iron bars of justice-
Haven't you suffered enough
Under the weight of your guilt?
But this is right.
There is life in the reveal.

You have failed
And you will turn yourself in.
Epilogue,
Facing your sin.
How do you live with a ghost?
You become one yourself.

Still holding on to your theory,
Great men can,
But you were not great.
All of this
The fastidiousness
Of youth-
The murderer and the prostitute.

Lazarus, lay down your pride.
She has followed you
Into the darkness.
Shadows of the past,
Light of forgiveness.

2:53

2:53
In the morning-
The things I'd miss
If I were asleep.

Here I am,
Awake this time,
Talking to you
And I can't say goodnight.

You said that I'm intriguing,
But I'd rather not be a mystery-
I'd rather just be me.

You said that I'm deep
And you like that part of me,
But I'm not an ocean,
I'm just a person-
Human
At 2:57.

The things that cross our minds
After midnight,
Worth being tired.

And you're worth it too-
These things I try to prove to you
At 3:02.

Still unsure,
3:24.

Oh, 3:43,
How can it be?
I hope I'm not
A mystery.
I'm still learning about honesty.

Goodnight,
Or is it good morning?

word find

There's a word find
Somewhere inside my mind.

Random scattering of letters
Swirling through my head-

I look through all the chaos,
Searching for some sense.

Suddenly, it's clear, a word-
Standing out inside the grid.

A million combinations
Waiting, hidden.

I circle them,
Catch them with my pen.

Distract myself
With this game of hide and seek.

A game
That's also known as poetry.

timpani

I won't be timorous today,

I'd rather be a timpani.
Bold, a rhythm of my own,
Percussion, pounding palindrome.

Each way I go I sound the same
No doubt or inconsistency.
No need to be timid or afraid,

Today I'll be a symphony.

purple colored pencil

I'm writing this poem
In purple colored pencil.
Well, actually it's blue,
But I thought purple sounded better.

I learned in English class
That alliteration is poetic.
But do I have to lie
To try and make my writing perfect?

Do I want it to be
Beautiful or true?
Can it be both,
Or must I always choose?

compromise

Compromise,
Slipping away.
Behind my eyes
I am afraid.

Am I finding common ground
Or being swayed?

Your influence
Undeniable,
Trying to regain control.

It's all been in my hands
Right from the start,
But what the hands do
Comes right from the heart.

And that's where you are.

Compromise,
Slipping away,
As who I am
Begins to fade.

These things I didn't think
You could invade-

I was wrong.

Your influence
Unshakable.
I've never had control at all.

But it's all been in my hands
Right from the start,
So now these consequences
Are my fault.

I was wrong
To let you in.

cannons

The brain fires off its neurons

Like a war zone filled with cannons,

Just waiting to explode,

To send my body into action.

Fight or flight from all the violence,

But I have to sit in silence.

Building,

Broken string, my violin.

I wish I could replace these cannons

With the ones by Pachelbel,

But my instrument is broken

And the music cannot swell.

Raging, ruthless battlefield,

And I can't run away.

Help me find the melody,

When the music in me fades.

understood

I've been over-stood and outer-stood,
Inner-stood and upper-stood.
Everything but understood.

And I've spent so much time standing,
Searching every preposition,
Before, behind, below, beneath, beside.

And I've learned that love's not something
That's in only one position.
Between, beyond, and in the by and by.

coloring books

Hearts don't look
The way they do
In valentines
And coloring books-
Pair of parabolas
Reaching for a point.

They're more than just a shape
Because they're something that's alive.
Valves and pumps,
Bruises and bumps-
It's real,
This heart of mine.

anatomy of a hillside

The sun is shining, bold and bright,
Illuminating every step.
This path I walk is filled with light,
As evening fades with the sunset.

Golden, shining through the leaves,
Exposing all the life inside.
Windy afternoons and trees,
Anatomy of a hillside.

How brilliant the display I see
When all the earth bids me goodnight.
How brilliantly it shines on me
As all God's glory fills my sight.

in the tall grass

I've tried to write
This poem before,
The one about
The way things are
Without you.

And sometimes words
Can make you feel things,
But I'm not sure
How to sound like emptiness.

Because your absense
Has given me so many words,
But it's also taken them away-
How I have to replace
The love in "I love you"
With "miss."

We're getting lost
In the tall grass,
Towering tree trunks
Of the past.

Sometimes I hide
Behind metaphors
Instead of saying
That I'm hurt.

a forest somewhere

Some days I feel things
So violently,
But today I am serene,
Watching the world
Through a screen-
Disconnected.

It's the me that finds it
Hard to focus
And easy to laugh,
But still feels lonely.

Echoes of my soul
In a forest somewhere lately,
Far away.

It's like the breeze today,
So wonderfully smooth
And soothing,
Yet causing all the world
To burst into motion.

Dance of the trees
With their fluttering leaves-
Ideas flow so easily.

Some days I feel things
So violently,
But today is a day
When I figure out why.
Today, I sit in the forest
And write.

silence

You gave me the gift
Of silence-
Expecting nothing.

Because all the words
You draw from me
Are not enough-
Endless attempts
To communicate,
But you loved me
In the quiet.

And I listened
To the music
In the distance
Without striving
To be heard,
The pressure
To rhyme my words.

You let me be still,
Wrapped in the embrace
Of a love without noise.

This lovely peace
In not having to do
But just be.
This world
Is so much more
Than the things
We can speak.

Tucked away
In the quiet corners
Of my heart-
You took me there,
To a place
Where I'm content.
It's a poem
I don't know
How to say yet.

begin to end

How does one
Begin to end?
With waterfalls
Around the bend.

Should I be dancing
In the rain
Until the clouds
Run down the drain?

What will I do
When it stops
If I have soaked up
Every drop?

Should I gather it
In a cup
For later when
It's all used up?

Or slowly distance
From the fall,
Wait inside,
Watch from the window.

Oh, how does one
Begin to end?
Enjoy the rain
And wet and wind.

Try to make
Each moment last,
Knowing it will
Become the past.

to breathe the air

Accepting my feelings,
Softly breathing
The air of my anger,
Respiratory reason.

Sadness
Circulating through.
Delicate lace
Of lung tissue.

But everyone has
To breathe the air.
These things inside
Are things we share.

secret

I'm a secret
That no one can know.

I lie and wait,
Incomplete and afraid
To be told.

The awful way
That secrets make us
Alone.

Well,
That's what I am.

Hidden away and silent
With no one to confide in.
A secret, restless,
Longing to be known.

Impossible,
The words that sting your tongue.
That's what I am,
With your mouth closed,
Alone.

Is it lying
To be quiet?
I don't know.

I'm just a secret,
Searching for a home.

earthquake

Earthquake
Underneath me-
All around me
And within me.

But why is everyone else
Standing still?
I didn't know
That no one else could feel.

Did you even know
The earth was shaking?
I didn't think
You were so far away.

The ground is splitting,
Things are breaking.
Sometimes change
Comes with an aching.

And I don't know much
About tectonic plates,
But I wish that some things
Didn't have to change.

And I wish it wasn't
So hard to reveal.
Rainstorms are easy to see,
But earthquakes you have to feel.

apron strings

You couldn't tie a bow behind your back.
Apron strings
And other things-
The ways you make me laugh.
You make me think of what could be
And all the things I have.

Cinnamon and sugar,
Mixed with walnuts, bread, and butter-
A gooey, sticky mess I made,
But you were still my friend the same.

It can be so complicated
To be simple sometimes,
But that's the place you take me
When the strings refuse to tie.

To my mother's new green dress
And the smell of fresh-cut grass.

A dandelion puffed in white,
Blown away by our laughter here-
In the beauty of simplicity
We wander without fear.

Just to know you love me,
Even when apron strings don't meet.
Our hands are tied and sticky
But this bread will soon be sweet.

mascara

Peering through my pupils
With an iris ring around,
Mascara on my lashes
Fades away from the foreground.

These things that are so close to us
So often see straight through.
The mask I paint upon my face,
Can you see through it too?

house of my heart

There's an empty place
Inside of me,
Unfinished basement-
A dystrophy.
At the very bottom
Of my soul,
I lie in the dark
On the concrete cold.

House of my heart-
Just don't go downstairs.
Ascending aorta,
Ignoring my fears.
Step into the kitchen,
Branching lungs and deep breath.
I open the cupboards
But there's nothing left.

Stretch into the hallway-
Pulsing, pounding.
Picture frames empty,
Searching, screaming.
The walls cry out
With their terrible white,
And I see your face
In the flickering light.

Then, soft and still
I hear your name
Echo through the corridor,
Lead to your room.
At the end of the hall
Where I stuffed it away,
Bulging and twisting-
A varicose vein.

Gently push at the door
With my palm on the wood-
Vena cava to ventricle,
Find nothing good.
Deoxygenated-
Still empty inside.
Memories of you,
But my hope has died.

I close the door
And look away,
But the walls are gone,
And the scenery's changed.
Turning to bone,
Like prison bars bending,
Twisting their shape
Into a skeleton.

House of my heart
When it's all stripped away.
Single light bulb
From the ceiling will hang.
My bare basement soul
In its natural state.
Silence,
Heartbeat soon to fade.

I'll sit here inside
My lonely rib cage,
Suffocate
And waste away.
Flesh and bone
And heart of stone.
House of my heart,
This is no home.

snow globe

Out from behind the glass I peer
And, tracing pictures in the frost,
Sit still within my snowy sphere,
In solitude great wonders watch.

Waiting, winter world my own,
Tranquility in blue and white.
Concealed within a perfect globe
From chaos that I saw outside.

I'd rather be deaf and alone
Than hear the raging noise beyond.
Stentorian world that shook me so
Now sealed away in snow globe song.

children

"The soul is healed by being with children." ~Dostoevsky

good morning, chautauqua

Good morning, Chautauqua,
Good morning to you.
We shiver together,
In the lingering dew.

It's time now to wake
And time to rest
Against the tree trunks
And the old swing set.

Afternoon, my Chautauqua,
Let go of your plans.
Let's go hunt for crayfish,
Let's sing and let's dance.

It's time for face paint,
And to run free with flags
Flowing banner behind,
To the bell tower fast.

Take in the warm sun,
Seaweed wrapped round your feet.
Staff serenades, canteen
And grand banquet feast.

Goodnight, my Chautauqua,
The waterfront wander,
And throw your sad stone
As far as your wonder.

Catch campfire sparks
In your hands, dry your tears,
And laugh at the sunset
As dusk disappears.

Goodbye, dear Chautauqua,
We all sail away.
Farewell to the meadow,
Porch step where I prayed.

Brave hearts as we leave
Chapel walls and dear friends,
This place that we love,
Summer's come to an end.

black pen

There's a black pen
Inside my brain-
Scribbling everywhere,
All over everything.

Changing angles rapidly,
Madness, void.
Abyss of black
Over the occipital lobe.

But it is my own hand
Guiding the night,
Pushing, pressing too hard
Til it bursts like stars
Through the page.

I can't get away,
And the pen will break.
Out spills the ink
Like a secret I wanted to keep-
Troubled universe set free.

Trickling from my brain
And sliding down
My tortured throat,
The rest of my body slowly filled
With deadly poison.

Darkness, dread,
Seeping into every crack.
Vacuum of space pulling,
Pulling me away.
Once canvas, once page,
But I'm not sure what I became.
Is this who I was supposed to be?

Hopeless, hidden
Inside a perfect portrait
Of panic.

all the earth

 

As I've watched these leaves grow through my camera, I thought they looked just like a little person raising their hands and giving praise to God. They make me think of Psalm 98.

"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth,
burst into jubilant song with music…
Let the sea resound, and everything in it,
The world, and all who live in it.
Let the rivers clap their hands,
Let the mountains sing together for joy." (v. 4, 7-8)

your waterfalls

Tonight, it was stormy, and there was a tornado warning (luckily, there did not end up being a tornado) but during that time, I wrote this song in the room in my basement where I play guitar. The lyrics come primarily from Psalm 42, and some of Psalm 40. It's about some of the things I've been learning lately- mainly, that I'm not in control, and that I can trust God with everything. He is all that we need!


My heart fails within me
As deep calls out to deep
In the roar of your waterfalls
It swept over me
Over me

By day the Lord directs His love
At night His song is with me-
A prayer to the God of my life,
O God my rock, why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning,
Oppressed by the enemy?
Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
God, won't you calm the storm in me?

Because my heart fails within me
As deep calls out to deep,
In the roar of your waterfalls
It swept over me

So I put my hope in you
I will wait patiently
Though the waves overwhelm me
You can calm the sea
My hiding place, my peace
I put my hope in you

I put my hope in you

May all those who seek you
Rejoice and be glad
And always cry out
"The Lord be exalted!"
But as for me
I am poor and needy.
You are strong, I am weak,
I will put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you

When my heart fails within me
As deep calls out to deep
And the roar of your waterfalls
Is crashing over me

I will lift my eyes,
I will wait patiently.
Though the waves overwhelm me,
You can calm the sea.
You're my hiding place, my peace
And everything I need,
I put my hope in you.

I put my hope in you.

Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For yet I will praise him,
Yet I will praise you,
My Savior, my God.

blossom

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

sunflowers

So within the past couple of weeks, these flowers have sprouted all over my school.
The elementary students made them as a craft and I think they're super cute.
But at the same time, they made all the petals by tracing their hands and cutting it out,
And I think it could be potentially creepy that a bunch of childrens' hands are in the flowers.
I walk through the hallway and picture them reaching out to grab me.
So yeah, this is my poem inspired by the sunflowers in my school.


Sprouting in dark corridors,
Growing, reaching for the light,
In a land devoid of sun,
They were wild sunflowers bright.

Crawling through the carpet,
Roots and reaching and no rain.
I said hello and went on my way,
But they softly whispered, "Stay."

Hello, hello, hello.
The inflorescence waved to me
With yellow-fingered pantomime,
And yet there was no breeze.

And I found it kind of strange
In such an unexpected land,
How the petals rare resembled
The palm of a tiny hand,

Walking down the hallway dark,
How eerie now it seemed,
I saw a million fingers,
Petals, pointed straight at me.

Nodding their brown heads,
They drew me in and wrapped around-
Grasping me with many a leaf,
Grip strong, without a sound.

Silent yellow hands reached out
And grabbed me by the throat.
Fragrant, breathless bondage,
Sea of yellow, stay afloat.

The last thing I remember,
Looking down upon my hands,
My fingertips reforming,
Golden petals, then the end.

falling

sometimes

falling

is

okay


sometimes

we

fall

into

place

solidify

Just some late night thoughts...


Things change so quickly,
And you open your eyes
And you look around
And you look inside
And you're someone new
And you're somewhere else.

And I'm just trying to figure out
Who I am,
But I look back
And I'm someone different,
And I find lots of someone-differents

Things change,
And so do the things
That aren't things,
Like people and souls.

And it's so fast,
The shutter speed on my camera
Can't even catch.
I'm flipping through an album
Of blurry pictures.

And I find I'm someone new,
Someone solid and clear,
Right here, right now.

If the camera could catch this right,
Maybe I might know
Where I was going.

But today will be another blurry page,
And I will be long gone
By then.

But I'm going,
Yes I'm going.
Walking around in skin
With the marks of
Everyone I used to be-

I'm composed of memory.

And I like that line so much
I'll stop and think
And make it a part of me.

I don't know who I am
Or who I was
Or who I will be,
But I remember the things
That speak to me.

And if all I am
Is a collection of memories,
I hope all the people I was
Said some things.

Or, should I say
Some things that aren't things.
Because words aren't things-
They take things and make them solid,
Ideas and make them always.

So take me,
Blurry, liquid, changing me,
And make me solid,
Make me always.

white noise

Searching, searching,
Target. Lock.
Explode.

Stop there.
No.

My restless hands
Gasoline pouring,
Match fingering.

Flicker, flicker
Bang!

Shake it away...
Clouds, smoke.

Pulling, ripping,
Tearing, touching,
Tucking, fearing
Feeling, forgetting...

Leaving the land
Desolate, barren-

This isn't what I wanted.

Still moving-
Automatic.

Fire alarm!
White noise...
Music, rhythm,
Maybe.

Keep on going.

Pleasure, pain,
Twirling, plucking,
Aching, breaking,
Discarding, dead.

Stop it! Stop it!
Distract.

Mirror, movement-
Frustrated.

Just a spark,
A strand,
A moment.

Searching, searching,
Target. Lock.
No!

This isn't what I want.

But my restless hands
Think otherwise.
Fire alarm,
White noise.

eloquent

I don't know what it is,
But whenever I'm with you,
Suddenly I become eloquent
And my soul comes shining through.

You bring out all the words
That have been stuck inside of me,
And I think in you I find the song
I've always wanted to sing.

It's like every conversation
That we have is like a poem.
The pieces fit together
And I find I'm not alone.

So I'd write a thousand lines
To find the one that would make you smile.
This person that I am with you
Has been gone for quite a while.

But there's one thing I have never said,
And I keep it in because
I'm in love with you, it's true,
But mostly I'm love with us.

electricity

Inspiration is like lightning
In this thunderstorm of rhymes-
Every single second striking
Earth about one hundred times.
Searching for a conductor,
Sometimes few and far between,
But never stopping, the air is filled
With electricity.

always blue

Just waiting for a star to fall,
A drop of the sky to paint my wall.
A pinch of pigment to tint the sea,
Splattering over fields of green,
Forget-me-nots in indigo-
I really do not want to go.

No, I will not forget you,
My bedroom walls of always blue.

temple

Lord, I would be your temple,
Your Holy Spirit's dwelling place,
But my walls are crumbling and cracked,
A dirty, broken space.

I run my hands o'er every brick,
Each bump and bruise and mark.
It was these jagged surfaces
That gave your hands their scars.

My stained glass windows tainted by sin
You flooded with your light,
And color filled the sanctuary
When You came inside.

This body is unworthy
To house Your majesty.
A broken spirit, contrite heart
The sacrifice I bring.

But a Sacrifice much greater was paid,
By Christ and it's all You see.
Your Spirit has made me beautiful,
A temple pure and holy.

I was bought at a price, I am not my own,
You now live inside of me,
So with every breath I'll worship You
In sweet humility.

resurrect

No more hiding, no more shame,
No more running away from You.
No more lies, no more guilt,
I want to listen to Your truth.

It's hard to let go when you think
"What if I need them again someday?
I'll keep them around just in case."

But until you come to throw them away
You'll never know what it's like to be free.
You thought you needed them,
But they just distracted you from your true need.

God, I don't want to go there again,
I'm going to run to you.
I will not live in death, for you have died
So that I could have life.

I am your temple, here for your glory.
Help me get rid of all these things
That don't bring glory to you.
Help me throw them all away, my idols.

Yes, rid me of myself, I belong to you.
I was once dead, but so were you,
And now it's time to resurrect.
Wash me clean, heal my scars and make me new.

No more hiding, no more shame,
No more running away from You.
No more lies, no more guilt,
Help me fix my eyes on you.

alive

As Easter comes, I'm reminded of my time at the March for Life. While I was there, it became more and more clear to me that we live in a culture of death, and I was reminded of Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." So thankful for Christ and His work on the cross, so that we don't have to live in death, we can count ourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus!

celery stalk

Snap of a celery stalk.
Rush of cold, cleansing water
Through the chute
Into the sink.

Fractions of flavor
On a chopping board divided-
Green and white,
Fresh and crisp.

With vegetable velocity,
The shining blade
Severs each cord,
Compact.

One string plucked
Can form a tone,
Delicate and sweet,
But a cord of three strands
Is less easily broken.

And celery,
By nature bound,
Upon breaking
Releases a battle cry,
Cacophonous crunch.

erosion

Deep downstream the current flows,
Erosion of a river bank.
Worn away by time, it knows
It's rugged land will be reshaped.

Sea glass tumbling in the waves
That salty, crash against the shore.
Pounding purifies and saves
Til finally made smooth and pure.

Block of purest marble white,
Inside a hidden sculpture see.
Sculptor's tools will chip away-
Come chip away at me.

Your potter's hands will mold the clay,
Softly spinning, spinning still.
Take your time, build me and break
And make me something you can fill.

my enemy

The shining glint of silver caught my eye,
Danced like a flame inside my mind.
When I was so cold and lost in night
It called out to me, drawing me closer,
Closer to the edge.
Twisting, twisting my words
Into a pattern fed by hurt,
Locked into a rhyme, a shape
A rhythm I could not escape.

It said
"Your bondage I'll break, relief I'll send,
I'm not your enemy."
But the verse I wrote with that bloody pen
Was anything but free.
How did I let the hero become
My self-destructive deeds?
I suppose that when the day was done
My enemy was me.

Trapped in days of endless rhyme,
Addicted to the sounds-
Carefully crafting perfect lines,
Syllables and wounds.
What would it take to break away
From what I had become?
Feeding myself with the pain,
Motionless and numb.

Then He said
"Your bondage I'll break, relief I'll send,
You can trust in me.
I've written it on the hearts of men,
The truth will set you free."
So I traded my knives and blades for a sword
That didn't slit or sting.
The sword of the Spirit, God's holy word,
Gave me a new song to sing.

Words not formed on my own tongue,
You've made your music mine.
Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,
Now breaking from the rhyme.

scream

It feels like kiwi skin-
Prickly sensation down my spine.

It tastes tart to the tongue-
Surge of sugar, key lime pie.

It looks like a zigzag pattern,
On the heart rate monitor.

It sounds like a soda can,
Popping, fizzing, pent-up pressure.

Its feels like cold metal
Against my bare skin.

It tastes like acid
In my throat worn thin.

It looks like an empty birdhouse
Sitting alone in a tree.

It sounds like silence
Covering up a scream.

eggshells

How a vase holds up its flowers,
Steady, nourishing, stands tall.
How a nest carries a robin's eggs,
Never lets them, fragile, fall.
A refuge, warm and welcoming,
When into your arms I crawl-
Hold me together when I am breaking,
All alone and feeling small.

A wilted flow'r, plucked from the earth,
Shell broken, I fell down
From the tree with branches mighty
To the dry and cracking ground.
You picked me up and held me,
Still and strong, without a sound-
In your embrace remade me,
I once was lost but now am found.

candle wax

The scalding water
Streams over my sleepy shoulder blades,
Melting away the drowsiness
That covers me like candle wax.

The early morning washes over me,
Reluctant though I be,
For in dreams I was the tallest candle.

Now the heat distorts my shape
As water shoots from my wrinkled fingers,
Extending, sparkling, to the shower floor below,
And pooling there around my toes.

Steam rises, soporific-
Coating the room in dreamy droplets and mist,
Damp and humid,
And slowly lulling me back
Into my sleep-like state.

The water pounds against my body
In an almost rhythm,
Soothing, smoothing,
Melting, molding.

Awake! Awake!
The sun peeks down,
Touching my tip
And awakening my wick.
I soak in the new day,
A candlestick with a single flame.

A little bit smaller
With each kiss of the sun,
Awake, awake!
The wax will run.
Each weary morning
Til my work is done.

lunar eclipse

Wonders of
The human eye,
The way a lens
Can bend the light.
An iris with
Blue thread crocheted,
Woven round
Black void of space.

So dark within
That stormy sphere,
Who would know
It was truly clear?
The pupil widens,
Embracing the light.
We see straight through
To the retina behind.

Center of color
With rods and cones,
Fovea centralis-
Dividing rainbows.
The lunar eclipse
That I see in your eyes
Is truly a palette,
All colors combined.

pink lemonade days

I took a sip of the warm summer sun
As it shone down so sweetly,
Tenderly touching the trunk
Of an old oak tree.

I ran my eager hand
Along its rugged surface,
Ancient and rough,
And I felt so young,
With hands so soft-
So easily bruised and splintered.

I asked the tree,
"Why are you so rough?"
For afternoons are soft with sunshine,
Light and smooth
With delicate daisies peeking through.

And the tree said to me,
"The grass withers
And the flowers fade,
New again each Spring are made.
But here I've stayed
As seasons changed,
Always rooted deep remained.

"I am rough because of all I have seen,
And all I have lost.
I have said goodbye
To many an autumn leaf,
Turned to brown and fallen away.
I have shed my magnificent shades
Time and time again,
And braved wildest winter wind,
With branches weighed down in white.

"Ask me how I became rough,
And I'll tell you it takes time.
It takes bleakest winters
And autumn change,
It takes sun-kissed summers
And rainy-day springs
To make me grow
And give me rings."

I looked at the tree,
So much older than me,
As my freckled fingers danced
Across its jagged wooden shield, so hard,
Yet I sat beneath
Sheltered in softest summer shade.

I suppose I would have liked to stay forever soft
To dwell in endless summer afternoons.
But time did pass,
And my flowers did fade.
Seasons danced
And danced away,
Spiraling into rings as I grew.

But though I'm harder now,
More guarded,
With skin no longer smooth,
Undamaged-
What the tree didn't tell me
Is that I'm so much taller now.
I can see things I could never see before,
During the days of pink lemonade
And shade.

It takes time,
And it takes pain.
It takes loss with gain.
But now I am the tallest of trees.

I may be rough,
But it's because I'm strong.
Softest grass will wither
And flowers fade,
But I will stand forever.