until there's no more of me

"You are troubled because you cannot be troubled enough; and that is the worst kind of trouble there is in the world, after all. There are none so brokenhearted as those that are brokenhearted because they are not brokenhearted." ~Charles Spurgeon

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
A broken and contrite heart
You, God, will not despise."
~Psalm 51: 16-17

Lord, make me mourn over my sin. I want you to be the most beautiful and precious thing in my life. Make sin disgusting to me, and cause me to desire you more than anything else. Break me when I sin, so that I can run to you, the ONLY thing that can make me whole.

"Self-despair is a blessed preparation for faith in Jesus. The end of the creature is the beginning of the Creator. Your extremity is God's opportunity. Now that you are helpless and hopeless, God can come to your rescue." (Spurgeon)

God, make me humble. I am helpless and hopeless and weak. I come to you with nothing to offer. Nothing to boast but empty hands and a heart of stone. You have to change me. I can't do this on my own. Fill me with your grace. Fill me with you, until there's no more of me. My sin surrounds me and it doesn't disgust me as much as it should. This is what Jesus died for. Make me broken over my sin, Lord! This is why I must die, why I must follow you with everything I have.

But I can't follow you. I mess up over and over and over. There is SO MUCH sin!!! I am so messed up! God, I can't do anything without sinning! Selfishness and pride hiding around every single corner. It has to be YOU! Work in me by Your Spirit. I want to love You, to obey You and follow You! It hurts me God, there's so much in me that's not right. I feel like dirt. I can't do it. I can't. But that's why You did it for me, which is how You can love someone like me. God it is such a mystery why You would choose to lavish Your love on me, I can't understand it. But Your grace being shown to someone as unworthy and undeserving and sinful and small as me shows just how amazing it is! How amazing You are. I know I could never get this on my own. But this gift I've been given must have a purpose. You will carry this work to completion, there is hope for me yet!

Help me live for You. I don't always know how. But guide me by your Spirit. Give me the Spirit to convict me and make me sensitive to sin again. I can't do this thing without You! Make me more like You. Take away my pride, take me out of myself!

who am i?

The very air I breathe is fear.
It fills my lungs
A dark and deadly poison
Black and slowly pouring it’s way through every crack
Overwhelming my whole body with a constant trembling
Always wavering
Always afraid.
And no one is there.
No one has ever been there
When I was cold and in the dark
Desperately alone
Helpless to the lies that take me captive
They surround me on every side.
I can’t see through them
And I try to shut it all out
To make everything go away.
But they are waiting for me to let down my guard.
To listen to them.
They consume me
Along with my thoughts and desires
While all that is within me is being consumed and suffocated
Trying to convince me that hope is a lie.
That I’m nothing.
The life breathed into me is slowly fading
Fresh air is so hard to find.
I just want to escape, nothing else.
Yet that’s the one thing I can’t have.
Nothing here really appeals to me anymore.
Maybe I just want to be heard.
Seen.
When all is dark and closing in.
Too fast. Getting faster.
No one hears me cry
And it’s my fault.
The lies I told myself took away my voice
Said it was worthless.
That I was worthless.
And the words tune out everything else until I can’t breathe
I gasp for air, but I still feel hollow
I pull blankets over me, but I can’t get warm
The cold comes from within.
My racing heart isn’t racing anywhere but to it’s own end.
And for what?
Is it worth it?
Is it worth this?
The fear eventually relents
But then there’s nothing left.
Exhausted and worn.
And I wonder if there could ever be anything here for me.
Any reason I should stay.
Because fear took away my reasons
Took the best things in my life and made them the worst.
Took what was most important to me and destroyed it.
Tore my dreams apart and filled my tomorrows with dread.
And the yesterdays just make the fear stronger
While I’m getting weaker.
I can’t hide.
I can’t hide from myself
Can’t get away from myself.
Who am I?
I am broken.

new blog

So this is my new blog, because today I'm at home sick and I'm bored. I'll just be writing and ranting about life and things I care about. Life is pretty weird, and I'm pretty weird. And that's pretty much it.