figure skates

Figure eights

On figure skates

Your blades leave lines

On the ice

Solid ground 

But you slip off

It takes skill

To navigate my waters

Frozen between

My fears and my faith

My love and my hate

I don't know what I want

But here you dance,

Scraping the surface

Gliding like scissors

Cutting me deeper

Until i no longer shine

I am rough

Covered in lines

And shavings 

I'm breaking

But you twirl

And you spin

And it's beautiful

let go of me

i cut myself today
i watched the blood run down my leg
and i felt nothing

i soaked it up with paper towels
put pressure there
ignored the howls

of demons swirling around my head
they want me dead
they want me dead

i don't want to die
i just want to know why
you're not here

i just want to know why
i am feeling this way
like you're far

and i know you're not
and it's me
who is running away

you said obedience
is better than sacrifice
and still i disobey

still i set myself up
on the alter
and slice

still i hate my life
and myself
and i hope its enough

to make you see i'm sorry
to make you see
i don't want to be this way

the scars show
that this is not how
it's supposed to be

something's wrong with me
i need you
i need to be free

but i get stuck here because
i still want to do it
all by myself

i get stuck here because
i'm trying to find
my worth

in other things
in something i can find
inside of me

searching, digging
through skin and blood
for something good

lord,
i can't do this anymore
it never works

i pick up the blade
and ignore your voice
telling me to stop

telling me that
you are enough
the demons tell me something else

that if i shed my own blood
maybe i can set things right
right?

i would sacrifice myself
on a cross if i had to
but i wouldn't let you

why can't i let go?
why can't i let you
be everything?

why can't i let go of me?

wait

My hopes suspended in the air
Like dew drops not yet landed on a flower.

Tentative, taking shape.
They watch and wonder-
Wait.

words

I love words-

The way they roll

And dance,

The way they sparkle

In a sentence.

I love sounds-

To capture them,

Pinned down

Pressed like flowers

Into pages,
Colors into faces.

I love language-

The way it waltzes

Off your tongue

And your voice

Holds me tight

Like a song

Saying maybe

You could understand me.

Maybe

You could pin me down.

And we would dance

And we would fuse-

Wayward words finding their place

In a phrase.