who am i?

The very air I breathe is fear.
It fills my lungs
A dark and deadly poison
Black and slowly pouring it’s way through every crack
Overwhelming my whole body with a constant trembling
Always wavering
Always afraid.
And no one is there.
No one has ever been there
When I was cold and in the dark
Desperately alone
Helpless to the lies that take me captive
They surround me on every side.
I can’t see through them
And I try to shut it all out
To make everything go away.
But they are waiting for me to let down my guard.
To listen to them.
They consume me
Along with my thoughts and desires
While all that is within me is being consumed and suffocated
Trying to convince me that hope is a lie.
That I’m nothing.
The life breathed into me is slowly fading
Fresh air is so hard to find.
I just want to escape, nothing else.
Yet that’s the one thing I can’t have.
Nothing here really appeals to me anymore.
Maybe I just want to be heard.
Seen.
When all is dark and closing in.
Too fast. Getting faster.
No one hears me cry
And it’s my fault.
The lies I told myself took away my voice
Said it was worthless.
That I was worthless.
And the words tune out everything else until I can’t breathe
I gasp for air, but I still feel hollow
I pull blankets over me, but I can’t get warm
The cold comes from within.
My racing heart isn’t racing anywhere but to it’s own end.
And for what?
Is it worth it?
Is it worth this?
The fear eventually relents
But then there’s nothing left.
Exhausted and worn.
And I wonder if there could ever be anything here for me.
Any reason I should stay.
Because fear took away my reasons
Took the best things in my life and made them the worst.
Took what was most important to me and destroyed it.
Tore my dreams apart and filled my tomorrows with dread.
And the yesterdays just make the fear stronger
While I’m getting weaker.
I can’t hide.
I can’t hide from myself
Can’t get away from myself.
Who am I?
I am broken.