february

I step outside
In a coat and scarf I don't need.
Spring came too early for me to believe,
Too quickly for me to think.

Now I'm back in a Spring long past
Gingerly stepping onto the wet grass,
Squishing mud bubbling up from beneath,
Soaking cold into my feet.

Leaves peek out from inside the trees
Slowly dotting brown with green.
The breeze is gentle and easy
And I'm out of place.

Surrounded by new life,
Symbols of resurrection.
I've thrown away the knife
And all I feel is numb.

I don't belong here.
I don't.

I watch the world repeat its show
And don't believe it anymore.
I don't believe things will get better.
I don't believe I belong here.

My body is warm
So I peel off the extra layers.
I feel the sun and breeze
And cease to think they mean anything.

Stuck between January
And another new beginning.

Life keeps going
And my mind keeps spinning.
Why do I have to keep living?

I step outside unprepared,
Feeling things I've felt before-
Mainly scared.

I don't believe I belong here.