easier

I'm scared. I'm scared it's always gonna be this hard. Because I've done these things a million times, these things that I'm afraid of. I've faced my fears and gotten through okay. But it never really gets easier. Every time I'm right back where I started. And in some ways that makes it all hurt worse. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find something I love that doesn't hurt me. It seems like the things that are supposed to be good are the things that kill me the most. And mostly, I fear that these feelings are never going to go away completely. That they will linger inside me and around me always, haunting everything I try to do. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be free. Like maybe this fear is just a part of who I am, and I can't escape from myself. I'm afraid that I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm always going to be like this. That maybe I'll never find peace and every moment that's supposed to be good will be this hard. Because it never really does get easier. And I wonder why. But I don't want to try. Not anymore. Because what do I even have to look forward to?  Everything good is stolen from me, and yet I am the thief. What am I becoming, is this even me?

"The simplest things became the hardest part now. The easiest parts have taken all my dreams. I'm afraid, I'll never be okay. I'm afraid. I'm scared I can't be happy. I'm afraid. The silence you feel is not a way to be sincere, it's just a way to cope, a way to heal. But not for me when I can't feel. The subtleties that make me want to be alive and not a statue. Breathe the air, be here to talk to. I'm afraid, I'll never be the same." ~Silverstein, "Medication"