overwhelmed

at first,
i think the rain is fun.
i splash in puddles
and fondly think of the sun.

but soon
i'm in up to my knees.
the rain is pouring,
rising rapidly.

the panic follows,
climbs up to my throat.
desperately i search
for some way out.

the old thought returns-
a knife to my skin.
everything stops,
would it be a sin?

i think it over
underwater.
numb and blue,
maybe i could breathe here.

in my mind, i make a cut
with perfect focus.
dark red droplets form
like tiny roses

along a stem
that will someday turn to scar.
now everything moves slowly,
fear is far-

in some other world
above the water.
why should i go back?
my mind cuts deeper.

it is not pursuit of pain
but of relief-
a calm that comes
from releasing pent-up grief.

but something else pulls,
relentless, at my heart.
it whispers stop,
that's not who you are
anymore.

i swim to the surface
and breathe in fresh air.
i know i'm not hopeless,
i know that you're there.

i put the knife back
where it belongs in the cupboard,
i shake off my numbness
and open my heart to the real world.

i dance in the rain
because i know that you will dance with me.
the song is forever,
so why, tell me why
should i worry?

i look at my leg,
six-year-old scars turning white.
they lost their power over me
when i brought them
into the light.