everything

I wish I had done everything with you.

london, 1802

From "London, 1802," by Wordsworth.

"Thy soul was a star, and dwelt apart:

Thou hadst a voice whose sound was like the sea:

Pure as the naked heavens, majestic, free,

So didst thou travel on life's common way,

In cheerful godliness; and yet thy heart

The lowliest duties on herself did lay."

solidify

Just some late night thoughts...


Things change so quickly,
And you open your eyes
And you look around
And you look inside
And you're someone new
And you're somewhere else.

And I'm just trying to figure out
Who I am,
But I look back
And I'm someone different,
And I find lots of someone-differents

Things change,
And so do the things
That aren't things,
Like people and souls.

And it's so fast,
The shutter speed on my camera
Can't even catch.
I'm flipping through an album
Of blurry pictures.

And I find I'm someone new,
Someone solid and clear,
Right here, right now.

If the camera could catch this right,
Maybe I might know
Where I was going.

But today will be another blurry page,
And I will be long gone
By then.

But I'm going,
Yes I'm going.
Walking around in skin
With the marks of
Everyone I used to be-

I'm composed of memory.

And I like that line so much
I'll stop and think
And make it a part of me.

I don't know who I am
Or who I was
Or who I will be,
But I remember the things
That speak to me.

And if all I am
Is a collection of memories,
I hope all the people I was
Said some things.

Or, should I say
Some things that aren't things.
Because words aren't things-
They take things and make them solid,
Ideas and make them always.

So take me,
Blurry, liquid, changing me,
And make me solid,
Make me always.

resurrect

No more hiding, no more shame,
No more running away from You.
No more lies, no more guilt,
I want to listen to Your truth.

It's hard to let go when you think
"What if I need them again someday?
I'll keep them around just in case."

But until you come to throw them away
You'll never know what it's like to be free.
You thought you needed them,
But they just distracted you from your true need.

God, I don't want to go there again,
I'm going to run to you.
I will not live in death, for you have died
So that I could have life.

I am your temple, here for your glory.
Help me get rid of all these things
That don't bring glory to you.
Help me throw them all away, my idols.

Yes, rid me of myself, I belong to you.
I was once dead, but so were you,
And now it's time to resurrect.
Wash me clean, heal my scars and make me new.

No more hiding, no more shame,
No more running away from You.
No more lies, no more guilt,
Help me fix my eyes on you.

alive

As Easter comes, I'm reminded of my time at the March for Life. While I was there, it became more and more clear to me that we live in a culture of death, and I was reminded of Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." So thankful for Christ and His work on the cross, so that we don't have to live in death, we can count ourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus!

broken

You were a part of me,
And now that part is so broken.

mountaintops

This weekend, I got to go to a scholarship competition at Covenant College! (results pending) I woke up this morning in the dorm where I was staying, and when I looked out the window, I saw the most beautiful sunrise over the mountains. If anyone is not familiar with Covenant, it is located right at the top of Lookout Mountain in Georgia, and it is a beautiful place! It must be so inspiring to live on a mountain all the time!

Anyway, as I was soaking in the morning, some lines came to me and this poem was born. It is about the mountains in the morning, and also about me kind've reconnecting with God this weekend. I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety, especially lately for this competition, but God has given me peace because of His never-failing love for me. He is always good, even when I am not!


Mountain morning,
Still as sleep,
With veil of mist
O'er valleys deep.
Her pink will fade
As shining new,
She wraps the world
In lightest blue.
Another world
Could not compare
With wonders I
Have seen up there.

She yawns and stretches
Toward the sun,
Peak pointing to
The Mighty One.
As darkness clears
To brilliant light,
New worlds appear
And flood my sight
With visions of
His majesty-
What love He's lavished
Upon me!

Mountaintops
The fog peak through,
Til all I see
Is clear and true.
Uncertainty
And doubt and fear
Are left below,
Can't touch me here.
Yes, all my fears
Are cast away
By love's pure light
And radiant day.

His tender care,
So soft and sweet,
In rolling hills
And mountain steep.
His glorious works
I see anew,
Brisk winter air
And mountain view.
How beautiful
His artistry-
What love He's lavished
Upon me!

first anniversary

Today is a very special day! It is the birthday of "Winter Notes on Summer Impressions" !!! I created Winter Notes on December 11th, 2013, and a TON has happened since then. So many good things and so many bad things. I wish that I could have captured every memory and feeling and experience in this place, but there are so many words I haven't written. Writing on this blog has given me an awesome creative outlet to work through the hard things and ideas and feelings, and also to discover my love of writing, especially of poetry, so I'm really thankful for it, and anyone who reads it. (even though they might think I'm crazy or really depressing sometimes)

So, in honor of this momentous occasion, I wrote a poem. :) It's short and sweet and it's called "This Year I Wrote a Lot of Things" because I did, and also because I couldn't think of a better title. So yeah.


This year I wrote a lot of things,
I wrote them down in ink.
My favorite pen, each thought dispensed
Spiraling and succinct.

This year I wrote a lot of things,
I wrote them in the air.
My flute would sing, each fingering
Wrote joys and hopes and prayers.

This year I wrote a lot of things,
I wrote them on my skin.
With razorblades my hate displayed
In scar and wound and sin.

This year I wrote a lot of things,
Some things no one has read.
Songs unheard, unspoken hurt,
Words that I never said.

expressions of his love

I saw a flower today and it looked just like a feeling. And it reminded me that God understands the ways I feel, even if I don't have a word for it, He knows, and He can make it beautiful, and I can bring anything to Him. I can relate to His creation, and this gives me an even greater picture of who He is. And I thought maybe all of God's creation, He made to express something that needed more than words. The trees, the flowers, the birds, the stars, and all of His creation are here to express His love. And I am His creation, so maybe that's what I'm here for too. To express His love. Our God is so beautiful and amazing, and there are pieces of Him in nature all around us, and His handiwork in us. I see more and more how everything in nature is pointing me to something bigger than myself, something so much greater than myself, pointing me to God. And our God is so good, He didn't have to create flowers, but He did. And sometimes I wonder why God created flowers, why He created sunsets, and all the beautiful things around us. And I can see that it is a reflection of who He is, and His care and love for us. It's all expressing something, and what I can see is love. In nature, and free to grow, I am wrapped in His arms.

easier

I'm scared. I'm scared it's always gonna be this hard. Because I've done these things a million times, these things that I'm afraid of. I've faced my fears and gotten through okay. But it never really gets easier. Every time I'm right back where I started. And in some ways that makes it all hurt worse. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find something I love that doesn't hurt me. It seems like the things that are supposed to be good are the things that kill me the most. And mostly, I fear that these feelings are never going to go away completely. That they will linger inside me and around me always, haunting everything I try to do. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be free. Like maybe this fear is just a part of who I am, and I can't escape from myself. I'm afraid that I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm always going to be like this. That maybe I'll never find peace and every moment that's supposed to be good will be this hard. Because it never really does get easier. And I wonder why. But I don't want to try. Not anymore. Because what do I even have to look forward to?  Everything good is stolen from me, and yet I am the thief. What am I becoming, is this even me?

"The simplest things became the hardest part now. The easiest parts have taken all my dreams. I'm afraid, I'll never be okay. I'm afraid. I'm scared I can't be happy. I'm afraid. The silence you feel is not a way to be sincere, it's just a way to cope, a way to heal. But not for me when I can't feel. The subtleties that make me want to be alive and not a statue. Breathe the air, be here to talk to. I'm afraid, I'll never be the same." ~Silverstein, "Medication"

what will i consider?

This song is based on Psalm 77, one of my favorite psalms in which Asaph speaks of a time when he doubted the goodness and love of God and cried out to Him. He was in great distress and speaks of his spirit growing faint and his refusal to be comforted. Yet there is a transition in verse 10, where Asaph decided to turn His focus away from His circumstances and the pain he was feeling and look to God. He meditated on all God had done in the past, in creation and miracles and leading His people, and the ways He had proven Himself trustworthy, always keeping His promises, and rejoiced in these things, in God's amazing power and grace. Through this remembrance and turning His focus away from himself and looking to God, Asaph came to an attitude of praise for how awesome God is, viewing his struggles in the light of God's amazing power and goodness.


The waters saw you God
Saw you and convulsed
So why can't I hear you now?
Where are those days of old?

For my spirit now grows faint
But you made the earth tremble and quake
Through the waters, paths created
Where is that power today?
Have your promises failed?
The darkness makes me afraid
Could your love be real?

What will I consider
In the dark of night?
And who will I remember
When hope has fled my sight?

~

To this I will appeal
Your word you've revealed
And when I am afraid
I see your power displayed

In the years of the right hand of the most high
I see your works in the past and in my life
I meditate on your mighty deeds
Your way, oh Lord, is holy
You are a God of wonders
Your works I will remember

When I'm troubled, and I cannot speak
And I wonder if your steadfast love has ceased
I see this life that you've redeemed in your great love
And set me free

And the years of the right hand of the most high
Show me your power and your greatness through all of time
Oh I will lift my eyes
And praise Him, forever glorified!
Proven to be trustworthy
My God, you are enough for me

So help me lift my eyes to see
Turn my thoughts away from me
Your goodness and your grace I'll sing
Oh Lord, you can do anything
And through the pain and suffering
My God, you are enough for me

here inside myself

I want to hold what I have inside. Silence protects me and I like to feel safe. But you're trying to draw it out. You say you're worried about me but I don't want you to be. I'm safe, here inside myself.

You tell me that my smile doesn't reach my eyes and you don't believe me when I tell you I'm fine. But I'm not sure what I am. I have no words, which is all you really want. Relationships need communication, and that's why they're so messy. What if I have no voice to give you?

You just want to feel useful and I just want to keep feeling useless. I might be tearing myself apart. Maybe you should be concerned. But that's not what I need.

I don't need you. Why do you need me to need you?

I don't know how to receive your love or love you back. Here inside myself, I only know how to love... myself.

It's strange how when you hate yourself, you aren't thinking much of anyone else. How you can hate and love at the same time.

new blog

So this is my new blog, because today I'm at home sick and I'm bored. I'll just be writing and ranting about life and things I care about. Life is pretty weird, and I'm pretty weird. And that's pretty much it.