distance

There are oceans between us,
And such great depths inside us.
And if distance makes
The mountaintops turn blue,
I wonder what it means
For me and you.

the words

In writing
I freeze my tears
Into icy spears
And I cut myself
With the words

insignificant

Turn your ear to me
I want to know You're listening.
But You're invisible
And I'm insignificant.

circles

These thoughts run through my mind
Like a carousel of dark horses.

I'm spinning in circles,
And circles again.
I'm spinning into shadow lands.

And the monsters in the shadows
Are so real tonight.
I can feel tonight.

I'm feeling in circles,
And circles again.
Black carousel,
My only friend.

tonight

i turn on the shower
so that no one can hear me cry
and the water
falls
to
the
floor
like
my
heart
tonight

this tree

I wish light could shine right through me,
Like leaves in the summertime,
And that you could see these things
Pulsing through my veins.

Glowing and open for all to see,
I'm just one part of this tree,
And if the light hit us all in just the right way
I think we'd love each other more.

complete

A poem can melt into crevices
I didn't know were there.
Everything I am
And everything you are
Fused together.
Because poetry is all about perfection,
And there are words in you
That make me feel complete.

my avalanche

The summit,
Sun on my face.
Vast, beautiful,
And dangerous-
This mountain force.

Standing on the edge,
I feel power and fear.
Sinking feeling,
Stealing the air
From my chest-
Breathless in the sunset.

The overlook,
With dangling legs.
I feel free in the open space.
Still, to move an inch
Would be my avalanche-
Curse of altitude.

Thinner air
And stronger lungs,
I must resist the pending plunge.
Touch the horizon
But pull back.
Drunk on the view,
Dizzying height.

So far I've climbed,
But this I've learned:
You can't fall unless
You're standing.
Every avalanche begins
With a mountain.

crawl spaces

I'm crawling into tiny spaces,
Combing through a massive chaos.

I'm going to miss these walls, this mess-
Knowing that all this will end,
Was uncertainty my closest,
Only friend?

Climbing over piles of disarray,
Am I happy, sad, confused, or still afraid?

There's history here,
The space between each page.
I'm crawling through ink and words
And can't backspace.

I'm climbing the mountain,
Mounds of what could have been.
Melting scene,
Melange of memory.

This avalanche I rummage through,
It's finally time to break through-

The tunnel to flood with light,

The story to end.

This mess I've made cleaned up,
The road to bend.

And I thought it would feel different-
Bittersweet,
It's confusing
And a little bit empty.

But I would rather curl up here
Inside these places-
Nestled against my books
And the rocks
And the darkness.

These crawl spaces,
This chaos.

hope

I'm feeling so many things,
And I'm losing all my hope.

It's not silence that makes you deaf,
It's too much noise,
And I've heard enough.

It's feeling that makes you numb,
Frozen fingers in the cold.
Sensation so strong,
Now slipping away-
Maybe one day I'll be bold.

But now I'm losing all my hope.

collapse

I fold myself
Like a napkin on the table.
Small and plain,
An envelope
For things that will never be sent.

Folding, find
In every crease,
Tucked away,
A piece of me-
Safe here
Underneath.

Laden on your lap,
I do not sparkle.
Fine china
Still I hide
Under the table.

Folding, falling
Into myself.
Bending, collapsing,
My skin
Softly pressed
Into the shape
Of something simple.

I was not made
For wonderful things-
Scraps of peace
That fall from you.
This mystery,
This everlasting feast.

You grow
And I become smaller
And smaller.

Stained and slight,
Tucked out of sight.

I was made for little things-
Hidden things.
Collapsing like a wave,
But I am soft
And make no sound.

I fold myself
Like a napkin on the table.
Waiting for the aftermath,
White foam on the beach.
Slipping away,
Foam and lace.
Collapse, unwind-
Find your way back
To the sky.

How boundless this place,
And I a piece.
I'll fold myself
To take up less space
In this wonderful mystery,
Make it part of me.

Tucked away and treasured-
Pondered in my heart.

turbulence

Jolted in my seat
By an invisible force.
Shaky on my feet,
First step of a toddler.

But no one stretches out a hand,
No one else can see the wind.

The skies are clear
But shake me still.
I fear I've been lifted
Only to fall.

Falling,
How I've dreamed of the descent.
I'm found at the beginning
Once again.

Falling,
Is it suicide
To leave who I am behind?

No escape from the turbulence
But to throw myself into the sky.

I'll jump from the plane
Of these violent thoughts,
Fall into a place
Where these invisible things
Don't move me so much.

Here I am,
At the beginning again-
I'm still learning how to walk,
Still dreaming of the fall.

And I wonder,
Did you notice at all?

blue flame

The world passed by
In flashes of orange and red.
Fire burning,
Leaping mindlessly
From the building
Like autumn leaves
From the trees.

But you were a blue flame.
Focused heat,
Intensity.

Inhaling the chemicals,
You breathed out your small light,
Concentrated your rage
Into a hush.
Beautiful,
But a danger to touch.

A blue flame
In the midst of autumn,
Immortal.

miscarried

Offspring of your anger-

Miracle mistaken.

I guess that I was only

A disappointment.

Sanctity of life,

But life is hatred,

Holiness miscarried-

Human wasted.

fade to yellow

Jaundice,
Fading to yellow.
Dandelions dissolving
Into the meadow
Of my skin.

I feel it within,
The color,
Bold and faint.
Aging, the pages
Of an old book.

Yellowed edges,
But the story still so young-
Nothing new
Under the wide
Yellow sun.

Jaundice,
Bile of becoming.
Bittersweet,
Accumulating.

Yellow,
All the days
Will bring me closer
To its light.

The smell of ink
On a page.
Hollow cheeks,
White of my eyes.

Beautiful sickness
Of becoming.
This story now
Is ending.

the approaching storm

The faint sound of thunder,
Still far away.
All that power
Waiting, building in the sky.
In the softest clouds,
Hints of gray.
Distant, potent,
The smell of rain.

All the earth
In anticipation-
This beautiful tension.
I would stay
With my feet in the grass
And soak in every vibration-
Listen.

The birds call out their warning-
The approaching storm.
But they do not see the lightning
Coursing through my veins-
How I love the rain.

The greatest peace-
Life all around me,
Longing for rain-
Knowing it is coming.

Now it has come,
Soft roar of the drums-
Fulfillment of your hope.

The humble ground
Bathed in your glory.
Cloak of humidity,
Wrapped in your story.

Together with nature,
I see how this darkness
Makes us alive.
The rush of your waterfalls
Against the window
Where I watch, inside.

humidity

The humidity falls around me
Like the branches of a weeping willow tree,
Encircling, sweet in their sorrow.
There's a thickness to the air
Like I could hold it there
And wrap it around myself.

The end of your slumber,
Winter is over,
And everything seems somehow full.
The air and the trees,
Summer drifts back to sleep.
A blanket of steam and not snow.

to the ocean

You were a wave,
And I wasn't expecting it,
But you crashed over me
In the most wonderful way.

The crest appeared,
Closer and closer,
And I was so small
Under the weight of it all.

Crashing, pounding,
Fully submerged-
You made me breathless,
But I felt somehow free.

You were a wave,
And your embrace
Was a little like chaos-
Throwing me back into the sea.

This infinite place-
It's sweet and strange,
And I'm glad I could be here with you,
And I'm glad you could love me too.

I want to feel this way again-
Take me to the ocean.

hotel

You are my hotel-
To live in the mansion of your smile.
You're not my home,
But I'd like to stay awhile.

Luxury of your laughter,
Loud and clear.
Bountiful,
A crystal chandelier.

I'm on a journey,
Vagabond, my soul-
Your kindness and your love
My second home.

You are my hotel-
Welcoming mansion of your smile.
I'm not alone
When you let me inside.

raskolnikov

Dark corridors,
Streets of St. Petersburg.
The staircase where you wandered,
Wondered
If the sun would shine the same,
If you could be great.

It was better as a fantasy,
The alley where they lie under a stone-
You didn't want them anymore,
Would rather throw yourself
Into the river
With the roubles.
Was it worth it?

This pain is your own doing-
Tormented by the question,
The desire to be different-
Could you kill?

If you were great,
It didn't last-
The ramblings of a mad man.
How to get rid of her ghost
When she was only a louse
And you were Napoleon?

But Napoleon must kiss the ground,
Story of Lazarus
You read in her room.
Weep and cry out
"I am a murderer."

It was more than Lizaveta
And the pawnbroker.
You killed the man
You used to be.
And for what?
To prove your theory.

How are you so different
From the nasty Svidrigailov?
Is this all that we are,
In a moment gone?
Crushed under the carriage
And the horse?

You saw it in your dream,
The whip, the fall-
Hid it in a crack in the wall,
Sound of a knock on the door.

A fearful lie
That we will have time
To speak freely of everything.
Siberia, the only freedom
From the bondage of your silence.

Sonia,
Shame and beauty that you share.
Lay down your bloody axe,
Lay down your fear.

Napoleon
Is nothing now,
Worn old Bible of Lizaveta
In the hands of a prostitute.
The Neva will not claim you.

Trade the prison of your madness
For the iron bars of justice-
Haven't you suffered enough
Under the weight of your guilt?
But this is right.
There is life in the reveal.

You have failed
And you will turn yourself in.
Epilogue,
Facing your sin.
How do you live with a ghost?
You become one yourself.

Still holding on to your theory,
Great men can,
But you were not great.
All of this
The fastidiousness
Of youth-
The murderer and the prostitute.

Lazarus, lay down your pride.
She has followed you
Into the darkness.
Shadows of the past,
Light of forgiveness.