break

 

is it wrong

that i just want a break?

it was a random Wednesday

when they sent me to labor and delivery

and told me I’d be having a baby

six weeks early.

now we’ve been living in a hospital

for weeks

and we know our way around,

we know the staff and the routines.

the plans on my calendar

all erased,

now I’m sitting here in this new life

in this strange place-

this hospital room,

the only home you’ve ever known,

with other babies crying all around,

and strangers coming in 

pressing their cold stethoscopes to your skin

startling you awake from sleep,

you cry and fuss and the monitors beep,

baby girl, don’t forget to breathe.

we weigh you before and after

every time you try to feed

to see how much you took

and how much you still need,

they give it to you through a tube

as you sleep.

hooked up to all of these machines,

this is not how it should be.

I’m learning how to take care of you,

you’re learning to live outside the womb.

we’re in this together

and there’s no going back. 

you’re beautiful,

but you cost everything I have.

I feel exhausted

and my body aches.

it breaks my heart to leave you all alone,

but sometimes being here feels like more than I can take.

am i a bad mom

if I just want a break?