crawl spaces

I'm crawling into tiny spaces,
Combing through a massive chaos.

I'm going to miss these walls, this mess-
Knowing that all this will end,
Was uncertainty my closest,
Only friend?

Climbing over piles of disarray,
Am I happy, sad, confused, or still afraid?

There's history here,
The space between each page.
I'm crawling through ink and words
And can't backspace.

I'm climbing the mountain,
Mounds of what could have been.
Melting scene,
Melange of memory.

This avalanche I rummage through,
It's finally time to break through-

The tunnel to flood with light,

The story to end.

This mess I've made cleaned up,
The road to bend.

And I thought it would feel different-
Bittersweet,
It's confusing
And a little bit empty.

But I would rather curl up here
Inside these places-
Nestled against my books
And the rocks
And the darkness.

These crawl spaces,
This chaos.

ghost

You linger in all my blues and greens.
Stagnant water, flowing streams
Turned to stone with your soft touch-
Everything must come to dust.

You brought your old gray fingertips
Up to my Eden-apple lips.
Silenced now, they turn to rust-
Every tone that you have hushed.

But a muted color still can speak,
Though dimmer, darker now it seems.
These things I hear and feel and see,
A ghost of all that used to be.

hope

I'm feeling so many things,
And I'm losing all my hope.

It's not silence that makes you deaf,
It's too much noise,
And I've heard enough.

It's feeling that makes you numb,
Frozen fingers in the cold.
Sensation so strong,
Now slipping away-
Maybe one day I'll be bold.

But now I'm losing all my hope.

collapse

I fold myself
Like a napkin on the table.
Small and plain,
An envelope
For things that will never be sent.

Folding, find
In every crease,
Tucked away,
A piece of me-
Safe here
Underneath.

Laden on your lap,
I do not sparkle.
Fine china
Still I hide
Under the table.

Folding, falling
Into myself.
Bending, collapsing,
My skin
Softly pressed
Into the shape
Of something simple.

I was not made
For wonderful things-
Scraps of peace
That fall from you.
This mystery,
This everlasting feast.

You grow
And I become smaller
And smaller.

Stained and slight,
Tucked out of sight.

I was made for little things-
Hidden things.
Collapsing like a wave,
But I am soft
And make no sound.

I fold myself
Like a napkin on the table.
Waiting for the aftermath,
White foam on the beach.
Slipping away,
Foam and lace.
Collapse, unwind-
Find your way back
To the sky.

How boundless this place,
And I a piece.
I'll fold myself
To take up less space
In this wonderful mystery,
Make it part of me.

Tucked away and treasured-
Pondered in my heart.

turbulence

Jolted in my seat
By an invisible force.
Shaky on my feet,
First step of a toddler.

But no one stretches out a hand,
No one else can see the wind.

The skies are clear
But shake me still.
I fear I've been lifted
Only to fall.

Falling,
How I've dreamed of the descent.
I'm found at the beginning
Once again.

Falling,
Is it suicide
To leave who I am behind?

No escape from the turbulence
But to throw myself into the sky.

I'll jump from the plane
Of these violent thoughts,
Fall into a place
Where these invisible things
Don't move me so much.

Here I am,
At the beginning again-
I'm still learning how to walk,
Still dreaming of the fall.

And I wonder,
Did you notice at all?

oil pastels

Cardinal sitting
In a pear tree-
Chlorophyll pulsing
Through every leaf.
Blood-red against
A brilliant green,
Life in every
Shade I see.

An amateur
With oil pastels,
Illinois morning
Sounds and smells.
Simple sketches
In my book,
Rocking chair
And flower pot.

Cardinal calling
Out to me-
Blended colors,
Vibrant scene.
Rockford days,
Soft greens and blues-
Cardinal display
In a world subdued.

blue flame

The world passed by
In flashes of orange and red.
Fire burning,
Leaping mindlessly
From the building
Like autumn leaves
From the trees.

But you were a blue flame.
Focused heat,
Intensity.

Inhaling the chemicals,
You breathed out your small light,
Concentrated your rage
Into a hush.
Beautiful,
But a danger to touch.

A blue flame
In the midst of autumn,
Immortal.