let go of me

i cut myself today
i watched the blood run down my leg
and i felt nothing

i soaked it up with paper towels
put pressure there
ignored the howls

of demons swirling around my head
they want me dead
they want me dead

i don't want to die
i just want to know why
you're not here

i just want to know why
i am feeling this way
like you're far

and i know you're not
and it's me
who is running away

you said obedience
is better than sacrifice
and still i disobey

still i set myself up
on the alter
and slice

still i hate my life
and myself
and i hope its enough

to make you see i'm sorry
to make you see
i don't want to be this way

the scars show
that this is not how
it's supposed to be

something's wrong with me
i need you
i need to be free

but i get stuck here because
i still want to do it
all by myself

i get stuck here because
i'm trying to find
my worth

in other things
in something i can find
inside of me

searching, digging
through skin and blood
for something good

lord,
i can't do this anymore
it never works

i pick up the blade
and ignore your voice
telling me to stop

telling me that
you are enough
the demons tell me something else

that if i shed my own blood
maybe i can set things right
right?

i would sacrifice myself
on a cross if i had to
but i wouldn't let you

why can't i let go?
why can't i let you
be everything?

why can't i let go of me?